Polygamy

MACVAYSIA wrote an article in Dina Zaman's I am Muslim column about muslim men in Malaysia who cheat on their wives. Like his wife, I too have opinions about malay men (I say malay coz even though they're muslim, most people don't practice the religion). Some are probably generalized but it just seems to happen so much that if it's a minority who are doing it, it seems like the whole population of malay men are condoning it even if they themselves don't do it. It - well "it" can be many things but I've observed the following mostly:

1. Malay men want to have a virgin as their wife. They want to have a wife who is conservative and stays at home. The husbands on the other hand still like to go out with the boys to clubs and enjoy themselves with "loose" girls. BUT they're wife cannot be like the girl the husbands enjoy spending time with.
   
2. Malay men smoke. There are very little who do not.
   
3. Malay men do not practice the muslim religion but when it comes to polygamy they know exactly which verse in the quran which allows them to have more than one wife.
   

I am happy to say that my search for an ideal husband who does not believe in the above was successful. Nauzubillah my husband will suddenly adopt any of the above thinking. I cannot say the same for my friends who are still searching thought.

The men who commented on MACVAYSIA's article all defended their needs for multiple wives with reasons as valid as the quran states it's allowed to ridiculous ones such as "men can't help but think about sex". It made me dissappointed but also angry at the same time. Won't they feel the way women feel about sharing their husbands if it was the other way around? What if they had to share their wife with another man? Sure the quran allows for more than one wife, but the condition is that the husband has to be fair to all their wives. Can any man really do that? Can they love both (or all) their wives equally? And doesn't Allah permit for a man to marry more than one due to the needs the other women have? It's not because men cannot control their sexual desire. It's more for the reason of helping women who are in trouble and cannot live on their own.

What about the children who are involved? My uncle has three wives and none of the children are happy. They feel neglected by their father. Another friend of mine had to go beg for money from her stepmother because the father had not been back to her home in a long time. The stepmother isn't a very nice lady and actually scolded my friend for stepping foot in her house.

I'm sure in an ideal world women could be at peace with the idea of their husband marrying another. The wives would live in the same house or maybe very near to each other. The husband loves both wives equally and provides for both wives and children fairly. The children feel loved and blessed for having two mothers and a father to look after them and care for them. The children from both mothers get along well and regard the other as their own sibling. They grow up to be successful people.

To get to this ideal situation I believe the man has to have very strong characterstics to help him teach good values to his children, to be fair to his wives and to be faithful to The Almighty. First he has to be involved with the family - to be the provider and the leader of the family. Or else how would he know what goes on between the two or three wives? He has to be firm in his direction yet loving and understanding to ensure that his wives do not have ill feelings towards the other. He has to make enough money to sustain both families and ensure that one is not getting less than the other and that all his children have equal opportunity to get the best education available to them. He has to honest and truthful at all times. He has to know that being allowed to have more than one wife is a huge responsibility and not solely to ensure he has an outlet for his endless need for sex. I think it takes a very strong and patient man to achieve harmony between his wives.

As much as I would like to think that there are men of that nature who can step up to the plate and prove that polygamy has more benefits than drawbacks, I have yet to see a polygamous marriage that didn't result in women fighting, children fighting while the man boasts about his good fortune.